


and then.

by castielstape



Category: Supernatural
Genre: DeanCas - Freeform, Death, Destiel - Freeform, Evil Laughs, Gen, Grief, Heartbreak, Major character death - Freeform, Pain, Supernatural - Freeform, genuinely idk waht provoked me to write this but boy was it fun, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29645403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielstape/pseuds/castielstape
Summary: Then."Hey, no," This can't be happening. He turns frantically back around to Cas, "No, no, no. This isn't happening, you're not gonna do this."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 75
Collections: Local iHOP favourites





	and then.

**Author's Note:**

> so, hi, this is my first fic ever so i hope u enjoy it :,)
> 
> big thanks to allie (@folklorecas on twitter!) for helping me figure out wtf i was doing with this fic, she proofread it and all so thanks bsf :D
> 
> alright well. enjoy. have fun. smile emoji

_What?_

Dean can't understand.

He can't when Cas is talking a mile a minute and his words don't make sense, when there are loud booms coming from the door, followed by hisses. His heart is beating fast, and they're gonna die. It's all getting to be too much, and damn it, Cas, slow the fuck down. 

"The one thing I want... is something I know I can't have."

_What? Man, you gotta- you've really gotta slow down-_

"But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness... isn't in the having. It's in just _being._ It's in just _saying_ it." 

_Sayin' what? The fuck are you talking about?_

"I know... I know how you see yourself, Dean."

Cas is beginning to sound urgent, talking about Dean. He looks urgent, too, eyebrows raised as his eyes are beginning to fill with tears, and Dean can't understand it. It takes him a second to then realize: Cas is _crying._

_I've never seen you cry before..._

"You are the most caring man on earth."

Dean's heart sinks. Really fucking low. He feels his throat tighten, his lips parting in disbelief. He can feel his chest starting to crumble, starting to feel like he's being suffocated. He's not- he doesn't deserve-

Then Dean thinks of how old Cas really is. He watched the trees grow, he watched fish grow legs. He's seen every battle, every revolution, every war. He's seen all of that, and yet...

_You are the most caring man on earth._

It rings in his head as Cas keeps talking, and now Cas is really crying, and wow does he still look amazing. He looks so inexplicably happy.

How does he look so happy? 

_Cas, please..._

"But I cared about the _whole world_ because of you."

_You're not making any sense._

Cas is smiling at Dean, looking at him with such adoration it takes him aback. He's crying, but he seems _happy._ He almost sounds grateful.

_Why are you- why does this-_

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" He hears himself say. He can hear the waver in his voice. He feels like every part of him is melting, and he can't move. And Billie's still banging on the fucking door. A loud boom, then a sizzle as the warding takes the hit. 

He's hoping with everything he has that this isn't a goodbye. That Cas won't leave him again, that Dean won't _lose him_ again.

"Because it is." 

_No. No no no no no. Don't say that, I don't- you- don't do this now. Any time but now. I can't lose you. I can't, I can't..._

He can't move. He can't speak. 

"I love you."

What.

_What._

He's never- he's never said that before. Not like that. Not with that much emotion in three syllables, never beaming right after he says it. Not to _Dean alone._ Cas looks so happy, he's practically glowing. Dean can't believe it. He can't speak. Cas, what are you doing? What are you saying? 

_What the hell is happening?_

He can't breathe. Everything around him seems to be spinning nauseatingly slow.

_Please don't do this now. Please, not when I- when-_

"Please, Cas-"

He's cut off by a low rumble, then a burst right behind him. He turns around, his face turning to horror and fear, and then.

Then.

"Hey, no," This can't be happening. He turns frantically back around to Cas, "No, no, no. This isn't happening, you're not gonna do this."

When he looks back at the black portal behind him, he feels his heart start beating faster. The fucking _deal_. The stupid fucking deal. 

Cas places his hand on Dean's shoulder, moving to push him to the side. "Dean, get out of the way-" Dean stays right where he is, gripping Cas's wrist.

"Cas, you can't- you can't do this. You don't deserve to- it can't happen like this," Dean says, his right hand coming up to rest on top of Cas's shoulder, holding it tight. "please- I can't- can't lose you again-" Dean's crying too, now, his eyes flitting over every feature of Cas's face. His hand moves up Cas's neck to his cheek, holding him. 

Cas shakes his head quickly, squeezing his eyes shut. He leans into Dean's hand, his own coming up to graze over it with his fingertips. Then, he quietly whispers, "I can't stop it." His eyes grow wide, looking into Dean's. He sounds hopeless, but there's still- God, there's still a trace of contentment in his tone. 

He thinks he _deserves_ this.

"Hey, hey," Dean says softly, and he can't find words. The black void-like liquid is starting to make its way over, and he's _running out of time._ "We'll find a way," his words are quick, "we'll get you outta there. I promise- I'll- _please,_ " his voice cracks, and he can't tell if he's pleading to the Empty or Cas. He lets out a quiet sob, and he doesn't know what to do. He sees another tear fall onto Cas's cheek, and he wipes it away with his thumb, gentle. 

Cas is looking at him with panic, his eyes looking over Dean's face, noting every feature. His hand moves to grip Dean's wrist as he says, "Dean, you-"

"Please don't go." It's so quiet that had Cas not been so close he might not have heard it. It makes him lose his breath. Dean looks down, and-

Shit. 

Shit, shit, shit, it's here. His chest is suffocating him, and he can't breathe. It's making its way around Cas, and Dean can hear the door burst open as Billie walks into the room.

"No, no, no, please- _please-_ " He can feel his left hand move to grip Cas's coat tight, and he can feel Cas's hand moving from his shoulder to hold his jaw. It's almost burning into him.

He can't speak anymore, and he can barely even breathe. Dean swears he hears Cas whisper, "I love you so much," as he watches the black void surround Cas's face as he holds him, and he's smiling up at him, blue eyes shining. 

Blue eyes are covered by a never-ending black, and then:

Then there's nothing. 

There's no Billie, no-

Dean stares ahead at the broken door of room 7B, and he can see his hand in front of him where Cas- where-

He gasps a sob, that hand coming to his mouth, and he looks around at the silent, cold room. The room that he's alone in. He can feel his legs growing weak, and his hand catches behind him when he falls to sit on the floor, feet in front of him. He can't hear, he _can't breathe._

He sits, his hands both coming up to his face, elbows resting on his knees. He can still feel Cas's hand on his cheek, can still feel his fingers grazing over his wrist. He can feel the fabric of Cas's coat in his left hand, the stubble of his face in his right. 

He's shaking when he gets his phone out, Sam could call any minute. He needs to check up on him. To- to tell him-

He stares at the phone in his hands, and he can't move. The room is so _cold,_ and _why is it so fucking cold in here?_

It feels like time doesn't exist, but he sits there for a while before his phone vibrates in his hand. He manages to turn the screen towards himself to see who's calling, some stupid part of him way in the back of his brain telling him, "It's Cas, it's Cas and he's calling from some other place, but he's okay. He's okay." 

He reads Sam's name, and everything runs through his head all over again. He breaks, after not crying for a while, he breaks when he realizes he's gonna have to tell Sam. He's gonna have to tell _Jack._

_They didn't get to say goodbye._

His phone falls to the ground and his hands come back up to his head, trying to ease the pounding. He lets out another sob, and all he can hear in his head is Cas's voice whispering,

_I love you so much._

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH well. there u go
> 
> im so sorry


End file.
